[insert scream here]

although i need to stay away...i keep coming back for more

3am on a sunday

3am on a sunday...i realized that i haven't coped with stuff from the past

when i was 10 my grandad died of lung cancer...tonight i realized ive never really coped with that

when i was little my sis and i would always spend so much time with our grandma and "pop pop"

he always would show us tons of movies...i remember always watching who framed roger rabbit at his house along with this barbie movie which i swear to god i had seen like 1 million times

also him and my grandma would take us to this barn that was at the entrance to their community...we would also walk to a park that was a little hike from their house...the two of them would pull us along in a red wagon that they had

in addition we would always cook delicious things with grandma...ranging from bread and brownies to delicious ham and yummy veggies

on saturday nights we would go over their house for sleep overs.....sunday morning we would always wake up to the smell of fresh belgium waffles and with strawberries and whip cream on the top....she would always serve him first...then my sister and i would get at the waffles

also we would garden together...i remember the huge elephant ears that she grew in her backyard, along with sunflowers, and every type of vegetable imaginable

there was also a pool not to far from where they lived...every summer we would get a membership and spend our sunday afternoons swimming there...one of the pictures at his funeral was all of us in the pool (it was taken by the lifeguard at the top of her chair)

he also had this white convertible that i remember had a blue interior....he would always give us rides in it....it was always fun to ride in it after spending the afternoon in the pool

you could say that when i was little i spent tons and tons of time with him and my grandma...just cause it was always fun and was a way to escape from the parents for a bit

also when my lil bro was born...him and my grandma came to our house in the middle of the night to tae us to their house...on the ride over...they told my sister and i (both of us who were in and out of sleep) that my mom had gone to the hospital and that i would most likely have a new sibling the next day

more importantly they had always been like second parents....from when i was born up until i was a couple years old my dad was in medical school and my mom was finishing up her masters degree and working at children's hospital...this meant they were pretty busy so grandma and pop pop would always watch my sister and i

**********************

so when i was 10 he died of lung cancer

years later my dad told me that pop pop had been a heavy smoker but quit when my sis and i were little cause we spent so much time with them (plus having a dad as a doctor you knew pop pop would not smoke around his grandkids)

the cancer definitely took a lot away from him...and left him a shell of his former self

one of the memories i have from that time is that last time i saw him

we had gone to my grandmas house for dinner....she made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner that day...we had been watching the news and more specifically a story about the pastor of our church and how he was turning around the school associated with the parish

pop pop was sitting is his lazy boy chair...which was basically his throne (now that i think of it my grandma no longer has that chair) like a said before he was def a shell of his former self

eventually dinner came to an end....and we said our goodbyes (now that i think of it i have no clue if i said "i love you" on the way out)

on our car ride home...i remember my mom telling us that tonight was probably one of the last times we would be seeing pop pop cause he was getting really sick...those words from my mom have stuck with me forever....i remember being really upset and distraught on my way home...but of course i tried to show no emotion because at the time my mom seemed pretty stoic...and my sis rarely showed emotion and i was scared she would judge me if i just burst out crying

the day before easter (4/22/2000) he died...i remember this vividly because we had been planning to go to florida for spring break the next day...basically my mom told us that he had died

i remember being really distraught about this because thinking back to it...he was the first person in my life to die (or let me rephrase that...the first person i had memories of and had formed a relationship with)

well my bro was 5 at the time...so he had knew pop pop but not that well....and well my sister never really showed any emotion....i was def the emotional mess of a child....so my parents sat me down and basically said he was in a better place now...because basically the cancer had been making his life miserable and a living nightmare

at the funeral i remember crying a lot....i didn't want to look at the casket at all....i remember crying a ton...and my mom told my family members that i was really upset by his death...even as i type im crying

***************

so after the death and all my relationship with my grandma changed...

i was afraid to go to the house i had once loved...because i thought it would be haunted or something

also my grandma was still visibly upset...i remeber at church during the time before receiving the eucharist ( a quiet time for reflection) she would always start crying....i would always turn away when i saw her tears cause it would make me really sad and start on the verge of crying...

for some reason...his death just caused a rift in the relationship with my grandma...i didnt go over as much....my phone calls to her stopped...there was no more gardening, sewing, art projects or cooking....

my parents always encouraged me to go over....on nights when my dad would be on call at the hospital...my mom, sis, bro and i would head over to my grandmas house for like a mega sleep over....i would always be to scared to sleep in the room with my grandma...so i would opt to sleep in the guest room with my lil bro

***************

now a days when i see her i always feel bad

she constantly tells me "not to be a stranger" and to call whenever

my parents constantly get on me about the whole not calling her.....

one day my mom said "at your grandmas funeral you shouldnt cry....because you no longer have relationship with her...and you act like you don't want one"...her saying that really hurts....because honest to god i WANT a relationship with her...its just...after pop pops death i let things change and didnt open up to people....

i know its not to late to change things....but its just hard....

*********************

sometimes i wonder what he would think of the person that ive become

im hoping he would be proud of my accomplishments...but i know he would be upset by the fact that the relationship with me and my grandma has faltered......

i really can't believe he has not been here for 10 years......and that the relationship i have had with my grandma has been a horrible train wreck for the past 10 years

xoxoxo courtney

This is

Insanely Hard (check)

Loosing Battle (check)

Will make me a stronger person (check)

Damn

xoxoxo

courtney

Friends

Sometimes friends can text the right thing at the right time...

Gotta love them for that...

xoxoxo courtney

Life Sucks...

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

--The Fray

xoxoxo

courtney

When I was LIttle

Although I don't really remember much....

In first or second grade, I wrote a STORY (during creative writing time) about a bank being robbed.

At the END of the story, I wrote that I died and no one cared/ missed me.

Because of the STORY my mom had to meet with my teacher and later sat me don at home for a talk.

She said that her, dad, morgan and the rest of the family loved me and WOULD care if I died.

They made me throw away my NOTEBOOK and my teacher gave me a brand new red one.

So I guess you could argue that I have always been a sad ANXIETY filled sometimes depressive individual.

But, I try and FIGHT through it.

Although somedays I might not feel like getting out of bed and TACKLING life, I do.

PILLS would probably make my life a billion times easier.

However that WON'T happen.

Because, somewhere deep inside me I believe that I can fight the sadness, anxiety, and lack of motivation by MYSELF.

It's a battle that will not be WON today, tomorrow, the next day, or the day after that.

For me it will probably be a life long battle to LOVE myself.

But I feel that I CAN make it.

And I guess if I don't, at least I will always know that I TRIED.

:)

xoxoxo courtney

In the End

Sometimes in life you get what you want....

But you realize what you received has tons of strings attached.....

In the end it might just be better to let go....

Which is def the hardest part....

For a while you might feel the hurt and pain....

The silver lining....

You grew as a person....

And now, you're ready to tackle the next thing life throws at you....

xoxoxo

courtney